So you have been told to get an anti-snoring device due to the window-shattering sound of your midnight singing. By now you should be aware of the poor effect snoring has on your health, so I'm not going to lecture you about this anymore. The simple fact is, if your children run around in the middle of the night, crying in fear and shouting "earthquake!" - you need help. Believing that you are too cool to have an anti-snoring mouthpiece could be a vital mistake, especially if you begin producing a throat tornado at the following events:
• Your Mother-in-law's funeral:
It is a dark, wet day and everyone in the room is in mourning - especially your wife. Everyone quietly takes in the reality of the situation and prepares for the healing process to begin. The last few days have been difficult at home with your wife in need of constant comforting, and the lack of sleep finally catches you, causing the world to become blurry as you fall asleep. When you awake due to the heavy pounding from angry relatives, the last thing you are likely to see is your wife's red eyes of rage and her wedding ring (still attached to her fist) as it hurtles toward your eye. Don't worry, it won't be long until you join your mother-in-law in one of those shiny wooden boxes. Snoring will no longer be a problem.
• Your wedding:
You're in a fancy new suit, your entire family has arrived and you are finally getting to see the family you are marrying into. Aunts, uncles, cousins and her parents are still watching you to see if you are a good match for their 'innocent daughter'. The only problem is that you decided to have your bachelor party two nights ago and are still suffering from a lack of sleep. You stand at the podium, but the priest's monotonous voice is hypnotizing you until the world turns blurry and you fall asleep. The dramatic climate to the ceremony approaches and everyone is listening in anticipation until you suddenly unleash your gullet goblin. You wake up to your hysterical bride as she tears her fingernails down your face, stuffs the wedding ring down your throat and you slowly, and involuntarily, loose consciousness. The last thing you see is her squealing down the isle and her family nodding at you in disappointment and disgust. At least your brother, who is clutching his stomach in laughter, sees the lighter side of it all and he will definitely keep this story in his locker for other inappropriate times in your life (possibly your next wedding).
• While your wife is in labor:
Congratulations, today is the proudest day of your life. Your wife's water has broken, you've packed her goods for hospital and made it there safely in record time. She loves you for that, but her spiking emotions flit between adoration and hate. As long as you keep it together, you can look forward to leaving the hospital as a happy extended family. Celebrating the occasion with friends the day before wasn't such a smart move though and the 'Sandman' is furiously attacking your eyelids with his pitchfork. Your wife is clutching your hand and cringing from pain, which should keep you awake, but the Sandman never loses... the world becomes blurry and you fall asleep. Your wife looks at you as you assume the fetal position on the floor, but don't worry, she thinks you have passed out due to the circumstances - that was until you began vacuuming the tiles with your throat. You are awoken by the piercing sensation of surgical steel being thrust into your flesh. Your wife has managed to get hold of the medical tray and is angrily using your body as a dartboard while she spits acid and screams in a language only she understands. Don't worry, at least you can entertain your new born child with the story of why he/she hasn't got daddy's surname.
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