Weddings are one of the most meaningful "life events" that we can experience. Whether it's for someone you love or if it's your own, those events mark very touching moments that live in memories for decades. Making choices about the ceremony, the guests, the location, the attire and gifts often takes a little more consideration. If you're a future bride planning for your own ceremony, sometimes there are issues that present themselves and you're uncertain of the most appropriate way to handle them. From our experience and research into etiquette "do's and don'ts", we have a few suggestions for you to keep in mind if you find yourself wondering.
Invitation Issues
What if you don't want to have kids at your wedding? How do you tactfully say this in your invitations?
- When addressing your invitations, leave the children's names off and don't mention them in the invitation
- Have friends and family pass the word around that the ceremony is expected to be for adults only
- Or, in some cases, you will need to be clear and honest. In your invitation card, write "Adult Reception" or "We hope that the 2 of you will be able to join us" or "2 seats reserved in your names"
- If confirmations are important and you have not heard from someone after 1 week past your "Reply By" date, call them or email them to confirm.
- Sending your parents and wedding party invitations, even though they are already likely expected to attend, can be meaningful to them. They don't need to reply, obviously.
- It's mannerly to put return postage on your RSVP's, especially if you really want responses.
Wedding Gifts
- It's considered rude to put "cash only gifts" on your invitations, or suggesting that. It's also considered rude to put registry information on your wedding invitation. The wedding invitation is for acknowledging your care for the person attending the wedding ceremony, a significant event in your life. If you want to share registry information, have friends and family do it. Or you can include that information on a bridal shower invitation.
- Do not feel like you are required to open your gifts at the reception in front of everyone. You can take these home and go through them later when you are more focused.
Cancellations or Postponements
- Technically, you're expected to return the engagement ring. (Do what feels appropriate... this is tricky due to the emotions you both are likely going through.)
- If people have sent you gifts in advance, you should send them back. You don't need to offer a lengthy explanation, but a brief note that "plans have changed" should accompany them.
- As tempting as it may be, do not speak poorly of your ex in town and to friends. At this point, you are likely very emotional. Things change all the time-and the humiliation you may face should you get back together would be worse. Take care to respect your ex, as you expect the same in return. You only look worse if you indulge in bashing and gossip. Saying something like, "we realized we wanted different things after all" or something vague to people in the meantime is enough.
- Inform your out-of-town guests first so they can cancel their travel and lodging.
- True etiquette recommends sending another invitation with a new date if you are postponing. If not, you need to somehow be in touch with each guest.
Second Marriages
- As a bride, you can wear white or not. It's up to you.
- If you've been married before or have kids, technically you are not supposed to wear a veil or have a long train because of "purity" and "virginity" symbols these represent.
- Your parents and family are not obligated to pay for anything.
- If your ex and his family are friends, you can invite them if it feels appropriate for both you and your fiance. Not sure why you would want to, but every relationship is different.
Seating Issues
- Try to arrange your seating so that people of the same ages are sitting around each other: kids with kids, teens with teens, aunts and uncles. Seat them in groups categorized by their relationship to you (i.e. work friends verses high school friends verses cousins) or by their ages.
- If you know relatives are battling, do not put them next to one another. This is not the time to bridge the gap.
- For the head table, seat as you like. You can select a table for you and your partner and then tables on the sides for the wedding party. You can arrange a long table with men on one side and women on the other. You can include parents and grandparents or not. This is more relaxed, the celebration after... make it what's comfortable for you both.
- Number your tables instead of matching names or places or whatever for seating. This is much easier for people to figure out the arrangement and find their seat quickly.
- Reserve tables rather than seats... more comfortable for everyone (i.e. "Bride's Parents and Grandparents" etc.)
Gloves
- Wearing gloves is a wonderful touch! It's appropriate to remove them and hand to the maid of honor when you put on your ring in the ceremony. Put them back on and leave them on through the receiving line and then, if you can, the first dance. Remove them for eating and partying.
Paying Issues
Who pays for what? This can be tricky.
- Bride: reception costs, church fees, groom's ring, invitations, floral decorations, musicians, bridesmaids' gifts, groom's gift, transportation to the ceremony for bridal party, lodging for your bridesmaids if needed
- Groom: Bride's ring, Bride's bouquet and corsage, rehearsal dinner, gifts for the groomsmen, transportation for groomsmen to ceremony, Bride's gift, lodging for groomsmen if needed
- Bridesmaids: your dress and attire, the shower, gift for the couple and transportation to the town of the wedding
- Groomsmen: your suit and attire, the stag, gift for the couple and transportation to the town of the wedding
If You're A Guest
- Please don't assume a couple knows you are coming to their wedding. Planning and budgeting are often important to them. Send your "Reply By" card back to them.
- You don't have to send a gift if you decline an invitation. It's up to you.
- If you arrive late to the ceremony, wait until the bride has gone down the aisle before finding a seat. Be sure not to peek through doors at a church because you'll be in her photos. Walk down the outside aisle, not the middle.
- If you do not practice the faith of a couple's church, you are not expected to participate. Do so if you want to.
If you mail a gift in advance, you do not need to bring another one to the ceremony.
- Often cash is best for couples out-of-town because it costs a lot for shipping.
- If a couple has been living together and didn't register for gifts, they probably have all they need. Sending cash is often appropriate.
- Guests are expected to pay for their own transportation and lodging.